<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>If Suffering Could be Said to Have a Use by OneforSorrowTwoforMirth</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24882940">If Suffering Could be Said to Have a Use</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneforSorrowTwoforMirth/pseuds/OneforSorrowTwoforMirth'>OneforSorrowTwoforMirth</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Ways of Tea and Failure [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dealing with past trauma, Family Feels, Firelord Zuko (Avatar), Gen, Healing, I guess all I write are Zuko one shots, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, One Shot, Parental Guilt, The Gaang Learns How Zuko Got The Scar (Avatar), This is my life now, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, Zuko is a Good Brother, Zuko's Scar (Avatar), post Season 3 Zuko, post The Search</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:22:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,044</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24882940</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneforSorrowTwoforMirth/pseuds/OneforSorrowTwoforMirth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Zuko has found his mother. Ursa has recovered her memories, slowly, but it isn't until their voyage back to the palace she recalls that Zuko didn't have a scar when she left. </p><p>(set between the ATLA comics The Search and Smoke and Shadow)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iroh &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Kiyi &amp; Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Ursa &amp; Zuko (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Ways of Tea and Failure [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2065143</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1040</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If Suffering Could be Said to Have a Use</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Ursa had never liked being at sea. As far as she remembered, Zuko hadn’t either, but she’d observed in the last few days that he took to the ship like an experienced sailor. She had missed so much in these years. Her youngest child was practically a man now. </p><p>She sat alone on the deck, just out of sight from sailors doing their nightly rounds. She looked out into the inky horizon, a hand resting on her face, gently feeling the features as if she wasn’t sure they were there. </p><p>Another passenger rounded the corner. </p><p>“Good evening, Lady Ursa,” Iroh said graciously. “It appears you found my favorite spot! I hope you do not mind me joining you here?” </p><p>“Not at all,” she said with a ghost of a smile. </p><p>He sat beside her, picking out his own inky spot of horizon. They contemplated the waves for a few minutes before Ursa said, without turning her head, </p><p>“My memory is returning in pieces. The details, anyway. Today I remembered your son. Zuko admired him very much. Lu Ten taught him some firebending, when he thought nobody was looking.”</p><p>“Did he?” </p><p>“Yes. It was very sweet. Zuko must’ve been five or six. He didn’t do very well, but he certainly tried.” They both chuckled, picturing Zuko as a child once more. “I never was able to tell you in person how sorry I am that you lost your son, Iroh.” She placed a gentle hand on her brother in law’s shoulder.</p><p>Iroh looked down gravely at his hands. “Thank you, Lady Ursa. I am glad your memories of my son, no matter how few, are good ones. I know my family has given you little else to think of fondly.” </p><p>They lapsed into silence once again, listening to the waves lap against the boat. Somewhere on deck, Appa snored. </p><p>“I fear I owe you an apology,” Ursa confessed. “When Azulon ordered Ozai to...I provided him with a tincture -” </p><p>Iroh held up a hand. “I have made my guesses as to how my father died. I need no explanation. Whatever you did, you are no usurper. Now your son will ensure you never again have to do such things to keep your family safe.” </p><p>Ursa was ready to protest but, in his usual disarming way, Iroh had said all there was to say on the subject. Still. She wanted to explain. “He was going to <em> kill </em>my son,” she whispered. </p><p>“I understand.” </p><p>And she realized that he was probably the only one who could come close to understanding. They had both suffered and watched their children suffer from their own family’s ruthlessness. She felt some comfort, sitting there. Enough to finally say something she had been avoiding.</p><p>“Zuko didn’t…” her voice was brittle as she tried to voice the question she didn’t want to know the answer to. “Zuko didn’t have a scar when I left.” </p><p>Iroh sighed deeply. “No. He did not.” </p><p>He was going to make her ask. “What...what happened?” </p><p>“It is not my story to tell,” he said softly. </p><p>“Was it <em> him </em>?” </p><p>Iroh’s silence was answer enough. Ursa pressed a hand over her mouth. All she had done, the blood on her hands, and Ozai had brutalized her children all the same. </p><p>“I was there,” Iroh said finally, “And I looked away. It was, and will be, my greatest shame.” </p><p>“But at least you were there,” she said bitterly, “I failed him, just as I failed Azula.” <em> I didn’t love them enough.  </em></p><p>“As I failed my own son,” Iroh said, “I let him believe the lies of honor and glory in battle. He paid the price for it.”</p><p>It was as if a stranger had spoken those words. No one he had known in the military had ever asked him about his son. He was supposed to be the great general, the Dragon the West, proud to have his son die for the honor of the Fire Nation. His brother certainly hadn’t inquired as to how he felt. Everyone else shied away from the topic and gave him pitying glances. Iroh could understand that. How do you ask someone to describe the unthinkable?</p><p>“How do you stand it?” Ursa whispered. </p><p>“I don’t know.” For all his wisdom and advice, there was a deep pain he knew could never fully heal. “Some wield their pain as a weapon, Lady Ursa. Some let it eat them into an empty shell. Some board it up behind walls or hide it behind masks. Some say suffering builds character -” </p><p>
  <em> And suffering will be your tutor. </em>
</p><p>“ - and perhaps that is true. But that character is often twisted and bent. I have always tried to use my sorrow to understand. That is the best use for it, if sorrow can be said to have a ‘use’. There will be days when your failure will haunt you, cripple you. But eventually, if you let yourself be changed, it will not rule you.” </p><p>Ursa sniffed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “You are wise, Iroh.” </p><p>“Thank you, but I must confess, I learned that lesson from your son.” </p><p>The sun began to rise. </p><p> </p><p>Zuko came onto deck that morning, eyes red from sleeplessness, but with a very enthusiastic Kiyi on his shoulders. She was holding Sokka’s boomerang and swung it through the air, nearly giving Zuko a haircut. He noticed his mother by the railing glancing at the pair of them, but quickly looking away. He lifted Kiyi off his shoulders.</p><p>The little girl tugged at his sleeve. “C’mon!” </p><p>Zuko glanced at his mother again. “Why don’t you find Sokka? He could show you how to throw it.” </p><p>“You can’t?” </p><p>“I don’t know how.” </p><p>“Really?” she seemed intrigued by this information, “Ok!” she ran back down toward the cabins.</p><p>“Be careful! It’s sharp!” <em> And hurts. </em>He recalled how it felt to get hit by Sokka’s stupid contraption. He moved toward his mother. She didn’t seem to notice him until he was right beside her. “Good morning.” </p><p>She gave him a smile but there was something strained in it. He took her hand. "Mom, you’re freezing.”</p><p>“I have been up here for a while,” she confessed. </p><p>“There’s breakfast in my cabin, if you want some.” </p><p>She looked like she might refuse but then nodded and followed her son below deck. He was staying in a different cabin, having given his own (the largest) to Ursa, Noren, and Kiyi. His things were stacked messily in the corner and his bed was unmade. A small table held their breakfast. As they sat, Ursa noticed something on the wall.  It was one of her theater masks. The Blue Spirit. </p><p>“You kept this?” she asked. </p><p>“What? Oh - yes.” He looked embarrassed. “I uh, actually got a lot of use out of it.” He half expected her to ask what he meant, but her eyes focused on his scar, tracing it from his ear to the corner of his eye.</p><p>
  <em> Oh. </em>
</p><p>She moved to sit beside him and reached out her hand, towards his face. He flinched as her fingertips brushed the edge of the burn. </p><p>“Sorry,” he muttered. She let her hand rest on his shoulder instead. He couldn’t meet her eyes. He knew the question was coming. He’d memorized the story, he could even deliver it with a flat, emotionless voice, </p><p>
  <em> My father fought me in an Agni Kai because I spoke against a general’s plan to get new recruits killed, and he burned me when I refused to fight back.  </em>
</p><p>But it did him no good now in the face of his mother. He felt his chest constrict as she slipped a hand into his. </p><p>“Oh Zuko. Don’t be sorry,” she kissed the top of his head. “I - I know. I asked Iroh.” </p><p>He felt some small relief in that. He was tired of telling the story. The words were worn out and used up from the number of times he’d thought them out or said them. He was tired of the looks of pity that followed them. He was tired of being so sharply reminded that every day he woke up and it had <em> still </em>happened. How could he be free if he had to repeat those words, tell that story, day after day? </p><p>He searched for new words. </p><p>“He sent the decree of my banishment to my room with a servant," he said, "Uncle Iroh had to read it to me because...well, because I couldn’t see.” Zuko didn’t remember this part very well. It had been a haze of hushed voices, bandages, and ceaseless, insistent pain. “He gave me one week to leave. I didn’t even see him before I boarded my ship.” He remembered very little of the week in the palace infirmary but he did remember calling, <em> screaming, </em>for his mother.  Emotion caught in his voice. “I was so <em> angry, </em>mom - it hurt so much and I didn’t - I couldn’t -” </p><p>Ursa folded her son into her arms. He didn’t push away. </p><p>“Uncle is the only reason I survived,” he said suddenly, glad to hear his voice was a little less shaky. Why did he always forget to tell this part of the story? It was the only part worth remembering. “He- he sat with me. Changed my bandages.” <em> Sang to me when he thought I was asleep, told stupid jokes, cried once or twice. </em>“I wasn’t alone.” </p><p>Ursa brushed the hair away from Zuko’s face. “Thank the spirits for Iroh,” she said and wrapped her arms around him again. He really was too old to be crying on his mother’s shoulder, Zuko thought, but he didn’t care. Eventually, she drew back to regard him at arm’s length. </p><p>“May I?” she asked, reaching toward his face again. Zuko wrestled with the memories that were always below the scarred surface and nodded. With the gentleness only a mother could possess, she ran her fingers along his scar then kissed his forehead. “Could you forgive me, Zuko?” she finally asked, “For leaving?”</p><p>
  <em> For leaving you to that monster? For leaving you to <strong>this</strong>? </em>
</p><p>He wanted to tell her he had forgiven her a long time ago, that she didn’t need to ask him for anything, but he could see that what she needed was forgiveness for herself. </p><p>“Of course I can, mom.” </p><p> </p><p>It was nearly lunchtime when Zuko came back on deck. His friends were all sitting near Appa, food spread out before them. </p><p>“Would you like something to eat?” Katara asked, waving him over. Zuko sat in their circle and let the waterbender serve him a generous portion. He hadn't eaten anything in the cabin. She asked him several times if there was anything else he wanted, Aang offered to get tea, Sokka didn’t make any jokes at his expense, even Toph seemed to be acting...nice? </p><p>“What’s going on?” he asked.</p><p>“What? Nothing!”</p><p>“What are you talking about?” </p><p>“Yeah, what do you mean?” Their replies were thoroughly unconvincing and he told them so with a glare.</p><p>Katara sighed, “We were sleeping on deck last night.” </p><p>“Ok?” </p><p>“And we heard your mom and uncle sorta discussing some...kinda personal stuff. About you.” She twisted her hands in her lap uncomfortably.</p><p>“Oh.” He felt a flush creep up his neck. </p><p>“It’s just - Toph felt seasick -” </p><p>“Hey! This isn’t <em> my </em>fault!” the earthbender protested. </p><p>“And Aang said Appa was lonely, so...I promise we didn’t mean to, and we went back below as soon as we could but we kinda…” </p><p>Zuko wanted to be angry at them. He couldn’t manage it. Maybe it was better this way; he wasn’t sure if he could tell it to them without breaking. “I’m sorry," he said wearily.</p><p>“Sorry?” Sokka said incredulously, “<em> We’re </em>supposed to be sorry! We’re the ones who overheard what was none of our business!” </p><p>“I guess…” </p><p>Aang moved to sit beside his friend. “We didn’t know, Zuko,” he said softly. </p><p>“I preferred it that way," he said.</p><p>“But...why?” Aang asked.</p><p>“Because it was <em> my </em>pain," Zuko said hoarsely. "I had - I had nothing else, but that was mine and no one could take it. For so long....I hoarded it because I knew it was the one thing I could keep."</p><p>“And now?” Katara asked.</p><p>“When I left my father, I was trying to become a new person. I didn’t want to use that pain, that anger like a weapon. That’s what the old me would have done. How could I heal if I just keep tearing at the wound?” </p><p>His friends were silent.</p><p>Finally, Aang said, “You are wise, Firelord Zuko.” </p><p>“Well, I learned that from you. You could throw your "last of the airbenders" status in my face all the time and be justified for it. But you don’t.”</p><p>“I can’t hold you responsible for your great grandfather’s actions. You weren’t even born yet!” </p><p>“Maybe not. But like I’ve promised, I <em> will </em> do what I can, Aang, to repair and rebuild. Not just for the Air Nation, but everyone. I don’t know how, I’m not sure I can but…” <em>But then maybe I can find a reason for all he did to me. A reason why. </em></p><p>Yet, he was starting to realize that none of this, rebuilding the Nations, decolonizing the Earth Kingdom, finding a compromise in Yu Dao, none of it was <em>about</em> <em>Zuko</em>. That was...incredibly relieving. </p><p>“I know you will, Zuko,” Aang said encouragingly. </p><p>“Thank you, Avatar.” </p><p>“Whew,” Toph said. “This is sweet and all, but…” she stood up, marched over to Zuko, hauled him up by the front of his robes, and hugged him in her signature rib-crushing embrace. Katara, Sokka, and Aang joined. </p><p>“Hey!” came a young voice. Kiyi had found them. “I want a hug too!” </p><p> </p><p>It felt strange to be on a ship where so many people knew. In his banishment, as far as he knew, only Uncle Iroh had the whole story. To their credit, they all tried not to give him side glances or pitying looks at the back of his head when he passed. But the atmosphere felt different. He hoped it wouldn't stay that way. Eventually, he went down to his cabin on the pretext of getting ready. They were going into port to gather some more supplies and everyone agreed they ought to get off and stretch their legs. </p><p>He had just finished putting on his more official looking robes when there was a knock at the door. He didn’t have time to say “come in” before the door burst open and Sokka entered. </p><p>“Hey, have you seen my helmet?” he asked. </p><p>“Uh...why do you need your helmet to walk around a port town?” </p><p>“You never know!” </p><p>“I haven’t seen it,” Zuko shrugged and put his small mirror on the table.</p><p>“I gotta say,” Sokka smirked, looking at his robes, “Those shoulder spiky things are kinda overkill, your fireness.” </p><p>“Oh, and your wolf helmet isn’t?” </p><p>“Hey, wolf helmets are <em> cool </em>!” </p><p>Zuko rolled his eyes and started pulling his hair into a top knot. Spirits, but it was harder than it looked. Azula had always made it look so easy…</p><p>
  <em> Don’t think about her right now.  </em>
</p><p>“Hey, uh…” Sokka cleared his throat. “Zuko, about um -”</p><p>“It’s fine, Sokka.” </p><p>“I know, I know. We never have to talk about it again, but I just wanted to say. You didn’t deserve it.” </p><p>Zuko let his hair fall. He was so used to the underhanded, self-serving ways of court that Sokka’s sincerity never failed to catch him off guard. “Thanks,” he managed. </p><p>“No problem, buddy." He slapped him on the shoulder. "Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find my epic wolf helmet!” </p><p>Zuko chuckled and tried to finish his hair. It worked, more or less. </p><p>“Zuko?” Kiyi was standing shyly in the doorway. He smiled at her and motioned for her to come in. She did, sitting down at the table, looking up at him. </p><p>“Hi. What are you up to?” </p><p>“Can I come with you and Sokka and everyone when we go off the ship?” she asked. </p><p>“Sure you can.” </p><p>She beamed eagerly at him then asked, “Can you do my hair?” </p><p>“Uh...why don’t you ask your mom?” </p><p>“No,” she said with the stubborn expression she wore whenever Ursa was mentioned. She was still afraid of her mother’s new face. “I want you to do it.” She held out her comb. </p><p>Zuko couldn’t say no. She sat down in front of him, pleased. After fifteen minutes, he still hadn't managed it. Everything he tried ended up looking like Azula's hairstyle. Kiyi finally said she wanted it to look like his hair. That was easier. He tied it up with a bit of ribbon and let Kiyi have the mirror. It was a little lopsided, but she seemed happy with it all the same. </p><p>They heard the lookout call that they were approaching the port. The two of them stepped out of the cabin and started back toward the deck. A passing sailor bowed in the narrow corridor. Zuko nodded to the man. </p><p>“How come they do that?” Kiyi asked. </p><p>“It’s because I’m the Firelord.” </p><p>“Oh yeah. Do I gotta bow to you?” </p><p>He took her hand. “No. You don’t.” </p><p>“Ok.” </p><p>His friends were waiting for him. Sokka had found his wolf helmet and it appeared Katara was trying to convince him to leave it. Aang beamed as he approached and Toph punched his arm. </p><p>“Hey Princey,” she said, using one of the many nicknames she’d assigned him. “What do you say we run a few scams, eh?” </p><p>“Toph!” Katara admonished, “The <em> Firelord </em>can’t be seen running scams!” </p><p>“It was a joke, Sweetness!” As soon as she turned away, Toph muttered to Zuko, “We can get you an eyepatch and some different clothes, it’ll be fun.” </p><p>Zuko grinned. </p><p> </p><p>Ursa watched her son walk down the gangplank, hand in hand with his little sister, surrounded by friends; something he’d so desperately wanted as a child and now finally had. His grin had faded to a smile. It was small, subtle. You’d almost miss it if you didn’t know how to read the boy’s face. Noren stood beside her, arm around her waist. </p><p>“Are you alright?” he asked. </p><p>“Yes,” she said. And one day, she just might be. </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>